I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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