My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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