Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my being single is dangerous.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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