I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize