Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
