bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
