Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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