Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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