Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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