this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
