508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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