It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
