At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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