Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
