Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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