can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
