Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
