You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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