He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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