i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
