My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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