Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
