I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize