she woke up with a sticky ear
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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