I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
