The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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