the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
