I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
