So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
