The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just threw up on my dentist
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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