I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
