Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
