I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
