He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
