the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
