So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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