if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
