So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
