I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
