maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
