Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
