Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
