Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
