Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
