Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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