A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
