Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
