Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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