Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
