Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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