I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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