Well douche your snatch and let's go!
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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