yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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