he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
