There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You are a genius and a whore.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
