My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
