Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
