I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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