I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
