The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
